Tired

There's alot of problem Mus'art is facing this instant... Its dealing more internal damage than it looks visibily on the outside... I don't want to spent my weekends listening to argument and disagreements. I just want to play my instrument, play music.

I should be "congratulating" them by capturing my love for music, then they crumpled it up, threw it in the dumpster and piss on it, then they took it out from that dumpster, raped it, aborted it, cook it in the stew and fed it back to me. I'm just being honest, I can't take it anymore...

Being Ignorant

I'm always ignorant when its comes to other people's issue... to put it bluntly, I know nothing... Even if you yourself know that its about not doing it again, not making the same mistakes, how many chances will you be given from people telling you mercifully not to make the same mistakes again when you yourself already know what's done cannot be undone?

So what if there's regret? So what if there's resentment? Is there a definite answer to this? I've already made enough mistakes...

Emptiness... Abyss...

Well, there's a saying that people get pessimistic at night... and true it is.... I always felt vulnerable at night... Many thoughts lay deep intact in my mind as if there were no control... My mind seems to be "spearing" into different thousands of directions pondering on things that doesn't provide me with an answer... I don't know why I felt this way... Perhaps the holidays have kept me idle thinking on nonsensical stuff...

Sometimes, I just felt like a fool... Why can't I just let myself free from my thoughts as it were never belonged to me? Why??? Why can't I be a "replica" of myself looking at the real me in other people's perspective? The other "me", the "replica" that possesses different attributes, thoughts and behaviour...

My complex thoughts often result me in late night sleeps... I realised that I am someone who hardly gets satisfied... Greedy you may say... I always felt empty when I got hold of something I've longed for... perhaps it was the process of attaining the specific item that seemed so "endearing" and intriguing... The ecstasy that leads to the rush of my adrenaline... the thrill... the surge of aroused feelings... Well... am I being a bitch...

I must learnt to get through my negativity... I hate the negative me... "You can't have the best of both ends of the world," Tirmidzi's words sure is enlightening... Guess I have to work towards obtaining a relaxed soul and a calm mind...

Chance

I was browsing through the net a moment ago... Happen to find Brenden's blog and so I took a peek at it. As I glimpsed through his blog, I saw his last post where he depicted his dilemma of giving up playing the oboe... Viola! Same sentiments as Meiling & me...

We are so busy and tired of our current lives... Imagine the amount of opportunity costs that were sacrificed just to attend the practices on Sundays. We could have done so much things then...

On the otherhand, we were lucky to have given the chance to continue this path towards music... I could still remember vividly what happened 3 years ago... Me and Ml were chosen out of the 4 to play with Mus'art... this leaves destroying the hopes of the rest... As harsh as it may seem to be, reality it is... Hopes were dashed... Moods were dampened...

I suppose everything happened for a reason... Perhaps we are just a mainequin manipulated by some unknown to experience the world of feelings...

-Serenity-

OMG!!! I wonder when was the last time I've actually blogged! Have been so hung up with Poly life this few months... I'm glad that projects have finally come to an end. The anxiety and stress one could take when working in time constraint, it's just plain CRAZY!

I've come out of my comfort zone taking up the role as a leader in most of the projects this semester. The only thing I could say was... I HATE IT!

I hate it when group members give me crap work!
I hate it when group members can't prioritise what is most important to them!
I hate it when I need to cover their incompetence!
Sometimes, it just hits me... "how on earth did this people get to scrap through all this shit without even getting hurt on the way?" well, beats me...

On the brighter side, I should be lucky that I manage to get through these... phew... its peace now... I'm able to get enough rest, but I can't seem to be able to switch to "relax" mode... I suppose this is the aftermath effect... Feel so out of place now.... So many things undone...

''Delinquent'' Duo

Well, it has been quite a while since I update my last post... Today, I shall talk about people who emulates my own behaviours.

To touch on about having the same egoist, attitude and inner thoughts, I have Lewis there with me... Haven't been talking to him for quite some time even though he is sitting right beside me during practices. I'm not sure why, but I just sense this very intense barrier between us as though he didn't want to talk or perhaps its me being over-sensitive again... It does bother me to think of it...

Now, let us talk about having the same habits... for me, this is rather an isolated topic to talk about because it just shows how eclectic I am. Despite the fact, I always believed that there is another odd-ball who happens to have habits comparable to me... and she's no other than Miao Ling... Here's the list of habits we've found in common during our conversation considering the fact we did not even plan the lunch at all... Fate's doing...

*Credits to Miao's blog*

1) No egg yolks

2) Hate seafood except fish (no salmon please)

3) No internal organs of animals

4) Chicken is the best, beef is alright

5) Towel we use must not be too rough or smooth and it must be able to absorb a significant amount of water.

6) Only Sunkist orange

7) Only green grapes

8) Eating sweet stuff after a meal

9) 3 different types of cleansing product. Hair, Face and Body

10) Cleaning toilet bowl seats before use even though its clean

Ever since that incident, we found more similarities along the way as we questioned each other, brings us back to contemplate if we are related somehow... Haha... A picture we took yesterday...

What is LOVE?

Started work on friday immediately after exams, have lost touch of work ever since the 3 weeks study+exam break but that wasn't the whole point though... Recieved alarming news that Tim's leaving which kinda drops my motivation to continue work by a noch... I know he will fight for his position to stay at RX... today's the judgement day whether he leaves or continues to stay...

Was having a little chat with ''deprived one'' regarding ''what is LOVE?'' because she overheard customers talking about the latter... She related the customer's answer to me and I found it rather amusing, my eyes were rolling away by then... It's about ''giving what you have unconditionally'' WOW! That's the cliche-est answer I've ever hear.

To me, ''LOVE'' is somewhat similar to the defintion of ''NEED'' which I've learnt in Marketing... ''Need'' is a state of felt deprivation including physical, social and individual needs... and so, all you need to do is replace the first word with ''Love''... and it compliments very well with the rest of the sentence... e.g. of physical needs are... (I shall skip on that) e.g. of social needs are affection and e.g. of individual needs are the desire to be loved by someone... though my perspectives may be cynical and crude, it's so true that you can't even deny it.

Guess I'll have to end my sentence and go for work now... till then...

Chinese New Year

I really hate to say this, but I think I really hate Chinese New Year, things just got worse every year... I hate to be bounded by family issues where it doesn't concern me... but, I just can't seem to stop myself from stepping into the situation... I can't stand it... It just got to a point where I found it rather meaningless, to make it more sickening, exams are just round the corner... I don even have the slightest mood to celebrate new year... what's the point of all this???

Still Clinging On...

I'm literally 'sandwiched' with all the things that have been pending... Hate to keep projects intact where I could just finish them all at once, but everyone knows that its impossible though. Am still working hard to keep up with the tight schedule... Work hard BIN!!!

Finding it hard to believe that I actually spent 5 hours just to finish up my idiotic no-brainer statistics tutorial... Felt relieved after surviving through the last question as I was falling asleep.(1am in the morning) My back ached like hell after that... must have been all the 'lying' habits I have for doing homeworks, felt better when Timo gave me a massage on the back this morning...

Concert's coming, kinda excited as I would be playing quite a few solos for this one. Hope I won't screw up. * especially yamato* Desperately need to improve my tone and skills in Euphonium playing but I just can't seem to squeeze the time out! I wished I could stand at a corner, hat in hand and beg people to give me all their wasted hours. Someone, SAVE ME~~~