Life

I seem to be living a life - the lives of others...
When I was young, I was living my parent's lives...
Other than the fond childhood memories, the rest of the time was spent meeting my parent's expectations...
I was brought up in an environment whereby comparison was classified as a "norm" in the family tree...
I hated every minute of studying, all I wanted to do was having fun doing the things I liked...
When comparison was placed between me and my cousins, mine was considered mediocre...
My pride took a toll with every comparison, every harsh comment made...
It hurts and it really did...
I ignored every criticism targeted at me and procrastinated...


Life moved on and I was held back...
Band was my everything back then...
I was living the life of my conductors...
The wonders of music was beautifully fabricated... My naive self sometimes envied the suave actions of a conductor directing the band...
Sadly, band was more complicated than its music...
There were misleads, misunderstandings, misuse and tons of conflicts...
Best friends became enemies, betrayal was common back then...
The music was clouded by nonsensical stuff like this...
I was so involved in the "politics" that none of the stuff mattered...
I graduated and work became an integral part of my life...
Work pulled me out from band and my life moved on again...


TCC was my first ever job... I remembered I was very motivated in the things I do...
Again, I was living the lives of others... I lived to impress my superiors...
For the course of the entire 2.5 years of working as a part-timer in TCC, I was never late, I never took any MCs or even backed off from work due to prior commitments... To think back, none mattered... Nobody cared... I got no raise with my pathetic pay (I was holding up a 2nd job at that time) and I left feeling nothing... No qualms nor compunction... However, I've made genuine friends which I have kept contact with up till today...


During my time in Poly, I was juggling between work and studies... I never had enough time for myself and slogged as hard as I could remember... Mondays to Saturdays were work work work work work and more work... Life was hard and I worked to pay off school fees... I was thankful with my 2nd job because it made me realised something... Local degree is imperative in order to survive in the current economy... Reality hit so hard when I see "lost" and "listless" students enrolling into the private institution I was working in... Their grades were not cut up for local universities and *viola* that's where they end up in... Towards the end of my Poly journey, I once again lived the life of others... I squeezed out every pathetic time of mine and spread it evenly to my friends... To think back, I've never really lived my own life... I can't possibly get back the lost time "wasted"...


Ironically, NS seems to lock down time restricting my schedules... Am I living my life? Not really... Because I'm sadly still living the lives of others... I talked to Nips just now... It makes me think if it's worth the while doing all this to get the likings of other people... To get acceptance...


Am I doing this because I don't want others to dislike me? I seriously don't know... I plucked up the courage and got the burden off of what's troubling me for months... But what's the point? I seem to still be doing things maybe other people don't even care... Maybe I should just stop trying to be the mister nice dumb guy everybody perceives me as...


And that's the life of Mr. Su signed, sealed and delivered sincerely to your doorsteps...