still finding the antidote to alleviate that residual feeling

Things seem to always fall in place nicely...
Leroy... It meant alot... Thanks so much... :)

Abandonment

The nightmare on thursday night came as traumatizing as it could be... A series of recurring nightmares revolving around the same topic... Abandonment... Casts were different and that made things even worse... I think I woke up about 20 times from that day's "sleep"... (if you would consider it as one)

My heart cringed everytime I woke up and that hurt... It hurts so bad... I could barely remember any of the dreams but I knew they were all negative... I felt so suffocated in the middle of the night but still forced myself back to sleep...

Felt so languished when I woke up... The blurry image I caught before waking up was this "fish-bone" like craving... The distance between each horizontal line widened as it goes down... And beside each horizontal line marked the word "pain"... It's derivative in a way that it depicts the "extension of pain" over a prolonged period and that the "pain" would linger even longer everytime I encounter it from time to time... I know it sounds so pessimistic but I couldn't stop myself from thinking it that way...

I was so disturbed the whole day that I couldn't focus... I was desperately fighting a neverending battle inside me to cheer myself up... It wasn't easy... The negative energies were just too overwhelming to withstand/overcome... I couldn't even force myself to feign a smile...

This dream seems like a reflection of my fears... The fear of being abandoned... I'm too comfortable in where I am now... The luxury of having too many friends not knowing when they will "leave" me...

I'm fortunate to have buddy physically there to relieve some of the negative energies... It wasn't easy... really wasn't... Glad that I feel alright now... I hate nightmares...

Dreammoods.com depicts "To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes. A more direct and literal interpretation of this dream is that you have a fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed. It may stem from a recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream as part of the healing process and dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are feeling neglected or that your feelings are being overlooked. Perhaps the dream is a metaphor that you need to approach life with "reckless abandon" and live more freely."

"To abandon others in your dream, suggests that you are overwhelmed by the problems and decisions in your life."

Siobhan Magnus and Crystal Bowersox

My favourites for this season's american idol! Sick vocals!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

If you feel that you don't get respect from anyone, then earn it from them...
I guess that's what I've done during the FUPT...
I hate to get 'off' passes for physio... It's a drag if you know the process + the people you need to get it from...
All the 'off' passes gotten from physio is really damaging my reputation, or rather how my detachment commander views me...
Only people close to me knows that my shoulder has been a burden and is annoying me every second...
It sucks...
I'm sure I've proved him wrong...
I can see the change... :)

thanks for adding flavour to what seem like a normal day an unusual one... :)

i thank you

Dreams

Fabrication of thoughts...

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.

We rest.
A dream has power to poison sleep:
We rise.
One wandering thought pollutes the day.

Monotony in CNY seems to fill my mind with nonsensical thoughts...
There's alot of "what ifs" hovering inside my mind...
I think I'm going crazy... Or rather I'm crazy...
I love to stress myself once in awhile...
Perhaps I'm wretched in some way or another...
I can easily tell someone to give themselves a break but it seems to fail for me...
I need peace... I need to attain the state of tranquility...

Nirvana perhaps?

Acquiescence

CNY's around the corner... We constantly work the routine, work the norm... Answering people's questions with the standard template... Sort of a hypocritical avenue for one to keep in touch... What meaning does it hold? I'm not sure why I feel this way... It seems that all the negative energies are piling up... It always happens around the corner... I used to like CNY alot, but I was a child back then... I don't look forward to it anymore...

Escapism from reality perhaps?



*My condolences to Ruijie's, Oliver's and Weibao's relatives for passing away this week... It came as a shock to the course... Indeed, an ominous CNY...

Disappointed Again

I'm standing in such an awkward position commenting on your issues...
You know what you did... And it hurts me to even reprimand you over and over again...
Still remember what you told me? Telling me it's different for you this time...
Bullshit! You're full of bullshit!
I know it takes two hands to clap, making the relationship suffice...
But have you tried? Maybe you did... but have you given your best?
Have you not heed my words? Or am I just a spare tyre whom you seek when you're in trouble...
Someone who listens to you... Hearing what you have to say...
When will you 'mature' in this context?
You only seek content and moment of euphoria, but have you given thought to what it would be like in the long run? The consequences you have to bear, the person you will hurt in the process?
Why? Why can't you think?
It pains me to see you becoming such an irresponsible person...
You know how conflicting my emotions are? I'm your bro, your friend... I'm suppose to support you no matter what... But I can't delude myself... I see things... I've known you long and well enough to know how you react to problems in relationships... You run... You just run away from them...
You yourself know best! I shan't purge any further...
I understand it's not easy to call off a relationship... And that you'll be hurt too... But have you considered how the other party will feel?
Or perhaps you just don't love her anymore...
Please, please don't make me think any less of you anymore...
You may think it's unfair that I may have only heard her side of the story... But it's enough... Seriously enough... I don't even have to open my eyes to see who's the irresponsible one...
I know you'll be hurt seeing this blog post... But it's my way to show that I still care for you and that I want you to wake up your bloody idea...
You know what? Still remember the term I gave you? I think it still applies...

Harp

I bought a Rees Harp from wwbw... Okie... I know I'm crazy... But I've always wanted to learn it... It's so cool! I'm going to scrimp and save these few months... Damage done is... OMG!

I bought the fullsicle harp which allows access to all major/minor keys in music! It's like extra US$400! >_<


I bought a black one (check this one out!) It's like the only colour that looks pretty! The rest of the colours are weird...